1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache?  Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: 
You only need two tools: Q-20 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should,
use the Q-20. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember:  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.