WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF
ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

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Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in
Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a
Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
----o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271
to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula
Airlines."
----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in
the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
take them with our compliments."
---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on
this flight!"
---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing
in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg ,
the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you
can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable
crusing altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have
a  smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes,
the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"