Don’t you just love Barry Hilton. Always knows just how to make you laugh
and forget that life sucks.

1. I was so poor growing up… if I wasn’t a boy… I’d have had nothing to play
with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” I
went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
4.. One day I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said
to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said “Because you came
home early”..
5. It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning… put a shirt on & a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I’m afraid to go
to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up..
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby… My mother never breast fed me. She told me that
she only liked me as a friend.
9. I’m so ugly… My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.
10.. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my
father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”
11. I’m so ugly… my mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my
finger to my father.. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I
don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I’d
get.
16. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look
in the mirror… I feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me?” He said… “I
don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
17. I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in
the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper 4
times - 3 of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.