Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin.'

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


--------------------------------


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall.'

Eleanor Roosevelt


--------------------------------


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement..

Mark Twain




--------------------------------


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

George Burns


--------------------------------


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


--------------------------------


Be careful about reading health books. You may die from a misprint.

- Mark Twain


--------------------------------


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates


--------------------------------



I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

--------------------------------


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

--------------------------------

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor



--------------------------------


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


--------------------------------


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


--------------------------------


Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.

- Spike Milligan


--------------------------------



Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath


--------------------------------


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap.

- Bob Hope


--------------------------------


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields


--------------------------------



We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress..

- Will Rogers


--------------------------------


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
avoid you.

- Winston Churchill


--------------------------------


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller


--------------------------------


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


--------------------------------


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good; spit it out.